Friday, June 19, 2015

I lost a piece of me when I lost her. I am not the same, nor will I ever be.

 *This post can be somewhat graphic in detail as well as language Just a warning*
If you have been a fan of mine for awhile, you know that on April 10, 2013, my daughter Aubrey was stillborn. I was 20 weeks along. My body went into premature labor and they had me deliver her because she had what they call Anencephaly. This defect is fatal. There is no cure. I posted my story via the Anencephaly Tab above if you haven't seen it. Here is a small recap:
Anencephaly is a condition that prevents the normal development of the brain and the bones of the skull. This condition results when a structure called the neural tube fails to close during the first few weeks of embryonic development. The neural tube is a layer of cells that ultimately develops into the brain and spinal cord. Because anencephaly is caused by abnormalities of the neural tube, it is classified as a neural tube defect (NTD).
If the neural tube fails to close properly, the developing brain and spinal cord are exposed to the amniotic fluid that surrounds the fetus. This exposure causes the nervous system tissue to break down (degenerate). As a result, people with anencephaly are missing large parts of the brain called the cerebrum and cerebellum. These brain regions are necessary for thinking, hearing, vision, emotion, and coordinating movement. The bones of the skull are also missing or incompletely formed.
Almost all babies with anencephaly die before birth or within a few hours or days after birth.
Just to describe it, when she was born from her forehead to the base of her neck was like an open wound. Her skull was open from her forehead to the back of her neck. They covered her with a bonnet so that I didn't have to see. I looked past it because my daughter was beautiful and perfect. We found out at 11 weeks that she had this condition. We found out on accident. My doctor asked me if I wanted another ultrasound to sneek a peek. I said sure. Three ultrasounds later and seeing it plain and day I had to accept it. We joined support groups and found hundreds of couples going through the same. Hundreds that have already went though it. After she was born, they wrapped her and covered her head. They gave us this memory box with items in it including a small dress and bonnet.
We took her footprints, because look at those cute toes? Who wouldn't? We took turns holding her. Both of us examined every bit of her. She had my nose and my husbands big feet. Look at that hand! Each finger perfectly formed. Who would have known at 20 weeks a baby was so perfectly formed and PERFECT? We were blessed to hold her 7 hours before the funeral home came.
She was so tiny. So beautiful. We went home that day with empty arms. I remember dropping to the floor crying. Our baby was gone. The funeral home cremated her us. So we can take her anywhere we move. My mother in law bought her urn for us. A baby booty wit her name on it and pink laces. So perfect. Cremating for us was a smart choice because I still wear my necklace urn as well. It has some of her ashes in it. I made this video a few years ago in her memory.
I cried every day the first year after her birth. Every single day. I still cry on occasion. I went through a bitter stage. My angry stage still comes and goes. My husband loves my children like his own but Aubrey was his first biological baby. Losing her put a strain on our marriage and a toll on me mentally. I am not the same person I was. I can't see pregnant people or newborns without getting tears. It sucks. I get the "She is in a better place" comments often. I am sorry. NO. She needs to be in our arms is where she needs to be. As a matter of fact her due date would have been last August and we would be celebrating a 2nd Birthday. 
When people ask me how many kids I have, I include her. They ask the ages and I try to avoid it at times because I don't want sympathy. I don't want to get into that argument that "Shes in a better place" or not. I am not religious by any means and losing her turned me away from believing anything at all. I turned into a bitter and mean person after losing our baby. I even thought about suicide. I didn't go through with it and those feeling have LONG GONE. I felt like I wanted to die. Like I was dying. Who would she look like? Would she be a daddy's girl? Mommy's Girl? The point in this post is that losing a baby changes you. It leaves a mark forever. I don't like when I get told I can always have another baby as well. Because for fu*&$ sake. We have been trying to have one and it hasn't happened. Having another baby will not replace our daughter.  Sometimes certain smells will trigger me. It is weird but it happens.
Comparing delivering my 20 week baby to a 6 week miscarriage pisses me off as well. You won't believe how many people told me they know how I feel because of that. I can't describe why because it sounds childish, but it does. Yes, losing a child is hard on anyone but when you say you know how I feel because you had a miscarriage at 6 weeks is a crock of shit. I went around 9 weeks carrying after we found out her condition her knowing she was going to die. Carrying a baby growing inside of you knowing she is going to die but not knowing when is not the same.  I am sorry if this offends anyone but it is the truth. I will live the rest of my life never knowing the daughter I had. Never getting to know her personality, dressing her for prom and her daddy will never walk her down the isle at her wedding. If you have lost a child I am so sorry. I hope that one of my readers will be inspired to write or get out their feelings because keeping it bottled in is no good. I have needed to get this out for a long time. Thank you for reading. 

PSA: I will not tolerate any negative comments on this post. This is NOT the time for it and negative comments on a post like this would be pure hateful and disrespectful!

4 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you lost your precious daughter! I can't imagine how it feels for you guys and I know nothing I say will make it better. I am truly sorry for your loss!!

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  2. I'm sorry you lost your precious daughter! I can't imagine how it feels for you guys and I know nothing I say will make it better. I am truly sorry for your loss!!

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  3. This breaks my heart to read and I am currently wiping my tears away. What a beautiful little body there- she was already so perfect! <3

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  4. I cannot even begin to imagine. I haven't been there, but I certainly have empathy. My prayers are with you. She was your daughter and very much a part of you. Your video was very touching.

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