(Disclaimer: This post is raw. This post is emotional and may bring triggers related to stillbirth to some people)
This is my first Behind The Blogger Prompt. I feel that this first post was meant to be. Hold My Hand. This has so much meaning to me. Meaning that is raw. Emotional and heartwrenching. If you are just "meeting me", three years ago as of April, it was our daughters Birthday. This was also the day of her death. Today is August 24th. Three years ago on August 24th, it would have been her original due date.
I would give anything for her to "hold my hand" and for me to hold hers again. This moment that you see above was one of my favorite. Looking her over, and counting her toes and admiring her small hands.  My daughter died from a fatal birth defect. By the time we found out she had it, there was no reversing this. She had Anencephaly. It is a neural tube defect and babies born with this are stillborn or pass away shortly after birth. I started documenting here when we found out.  
One thing that bothered me when we found out was how people would say "God will make this better for you", or "Miracles Happen". No. That is not true. She was not going to live and we carried her knowing that. There was no miracle of her brain forming or surviving. We were given the chance to abort, and that was not a decision that I would make. I carried her to 20 weeks and my body threw itself into labor. I hated it. EVERY minute of it. When you are in labor, you are supposed to be excited. Happy. We cried. The ENTIRE time. 
At 20 weeks, I did not realize how formed she would be. She looked like a micro preemie. Every bit of her was perfectly formed, down to the fingernails. I loved it when I had her hands on mine. That moment that she could "Hold My Hand". There is not a day that goes by that I do not cherish the 20 weeks that I had with her in my belly, the 6 hours or so that we got to spend with her before the funeral home had to take her. All of it. I can't wait to meet you again sweet angel. Until then- I will look forward to seeing you in the after-life, when you can finally "Hold My Hand" again.
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  1. Oh Bre, I am so sorry for your loss. I am tears right now, and I so wish that you had been given more opportunities for her to hold your hand. I admire your courage to go forward, knowing what the outcome would be, I am not sure I would have been strong enough. I know that healing akes time, but I wanted to thank you for opening this door to the outside world, and for letting us in...if even for a moment. Peace be with your family <3

    ~Shandi (Mama Dews Reviews)

    1. Thank you so much Shandi! Your words mean so much!!


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